Well, yesterday I tried to do something that I should have known better. There is wisdom in knowing your limits. There is something to be said for acknowledging you are getting older. So, I tried to lift a section of log that probably had at least a hundred pound advantage over me. Just as I got it started up, something popped in the back of my left leg and I dropped the log. It felt like a rubber band snapping. This was followed by nausea and light-headedness.

This is one of those times when it is really good to have a hottub nearby. A 15-minute soak followed by an ice pack, etc. and things aren't so bad. I can walk, which we debated whether I'd be able to do that this morning when I woke up. But, as the day has gone on, the muscle in the back of my leg has become sorer, feeling like a big charlie horse. Getting up and down is uncomfortable and I'm being very careful about what load I put on the leg, but I've basically taken the day off from anything and everything.
But being housebound all day is less than wonderful. I haven't even been out to my barn to make sawdust.

This is the problem with being without steady work and without insurance. I just have to let this heal. And this needs to happen quickly because I get paid by the hour on a parttime basis and I need the income.

This is one of those times when I miss having someone in my life, being in a real relationship and being able to be comforted. I know I'm basically anti-social but I do like being nursed back to health. haha Oh well.

after all, it's getting to be late March. Spring starts tomorrow. It was in the 60s earlier this week and now it's below thirty with an inch or two of snow after raining nearly an inch earlier today.
Got a "surprise" inspection from the parole office today. Three big guys traveling together. I guess they expect trouble or are really afraid of sex offenders. Had to fill out two pages of information that they already have. I really don't understand the need to repetitively give them my address, phone numbers, etc. I mean, if I change something I'll let them know.
Anyway, it is a bit unnerving to have them show up but you just have to put up with it and get through it. Thank goodness none of them were my actual parole officer, but rather her cronies from the same office. I really don't want to have to put up with her anymore than is absolutely necessary.
So, snow on the ground, wet ground under that, temps in the below freezing range. Looks like I have the next couple of days off. If it's too cold to work, it's too cold to go cut wood in the barn. That's alright. I really wore myself out yesterday and nearly twisted an ankle, so I can use some recoop time.

It's raining, again. I know it's winter. I know the weather is supposed to be bad, but when you're only source of income is working outside it gets frustrating to be unable to do anything other than watch it rain and watch your pocket book drain. The ongoing expenses of life continue unabated, regardless of the forecast.
So, I sit inside at the table, eating leftovers and watching the endless ripples of raindrops across the pond, trying to enjoy watching the springs which are up in volume due to the melting snow and additional rain. But still, I feel a bit hopeless.

My borther is here on a visit. He lives in the next state. He has had a rough life with much misfortune in it, and doesn't come home very often. I should be excited, or at least glad to see him, shouldn't I? The truth is I feel practically nothing, good or bad, about his being here. I feel no sense of connectiveness or relationship. It strikes me as wrong to not feel enything. This is the kid that I nearly went to jail for when I was a teenager simply because some bully was picking on him on our school bus. Now all my acknowledgements of our relationship are purely intellectual.
Is this part of the effect of being turned into a prisoner in my own home (and not even mine really) by my parole officer, and be how society views me through my one crime rather than as the person I am, or could be?
It is hard to not isolate myself, insulate myself against any emotions, withdraw into a thick shell of depression and loneliness as I consider the emotional effort it takes to reach across the chasm caused by being labelled a sex offender and trying to connect in a human way with others. It is easier to hide than to face that kind of rejection.
When I consider my feelings, I realize that I no longer seem to have feelings for most people, only the few women in my life that have been my strongest emotional link with this world, my daughters, my mom, etc.
In a way I'm glad that I don't have a whole lifetime in front of me. I feel so sorry for the younger guys I've met who have made mistakes and are now labelled for life, who are young enough to want to build a family or a career, and will find that almost impossible in a prejudiced society that refuses to look deeper than the label or think beyond what the media wants them to believe.
I've been sick for about 2 weeks now. It has worked out OK though because my work is outside work and it's been too cold and too much snow on the ground for the past two weeks to work anyway. So in a way it is a good time to be sick. But I'm getting tired of feeling so lousy. I'd like to breathe without being aware of how much effort it takes. Oh well, the forecast is for more snow and even colder weather, so I might as well be in bed trying to breathe.
I miss having a life, and it is tough knowing I will probably never really have one again. It truly causes one to wonder what there is left to live for.

There is really nothing more important in my life these days than knowing my girls are well and happy. I know I'm lousy about staying in touch, but I hope they never doubt that there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of them, miss them all terribly and hope things are as well as can be expected.
I met with my parole officer in late November and asked about seeing my youngest daughter and the rest of my family for Christmas. After asking who all would be at a family gathering, she changed the subject without giving me an answer. When I met with her 10 days ago on the 4th, I asked again. She accused me of pulling such a request out of the blue at a late date, conveniently forgetting that I had asked before. Since I had been honest with her and sought her opinion on how I should handle incidents such as the one on the Saturday after Thanksgiving, she was already mad and said NO to any getting together with my family since I can't "stay in compliance with the 12 simple stipulations" she has imposed.
I suppose that requires some explanation. That Saturday I was fixing something to eat in the kitchen and dad was watching football in the living room. We noticed some people coming up the road on foot, and guessed that it might be people from the neighborhood you can see from the house, out with relatives, going for a walk. We were surprised to hear the doorbell ring and find that it was three of my cousins, all adults, and that one had his three sons with him. The boys briefly walked into the house and then back out into the yard to play while the grownups talked. They were there probably all of 10 minutes at the most as the group had stopped by on the way to somewhere else.
According to my PO, the fact that the children came into the house and I didn't run and hide in my room while Dad explained my "no contact" stipulation constitutes my “having contact with minors”. Mind you, I didn't even speak to these kids, just happened to be in the same room in our house for about 2 minutes. She even said that it didn't matter if it was completely rude in the eyes of my family that I should have run and hid. Oh, and also that I should have called her immediately when it happened and reported it.
Needless to say, this is her bizarre interpretation of "contact." And she is convinced that this is part of what is taught in the state’s treatment program, and thus was an obvious flagrant violation of my stipulation from her to have “no contact with minors.” This is the modification she made to the Parole Board's stipulation of no unsupervised contact, and I have never gotten it in writing, so it is not in any of my paperwork.
This goes along the lines of her interpretation of "approved employment" being something which she gives explicit permission to do before I begin, rather than something that simply meets the guidelines and stipulations given by the Board.
To say I'm a bit frustrated would be an understatement. It really put me in a tailspin for about 3 days.
So, I had another meeting scheduled for 11:30 this morning. I spent the last 24 hours getting ready to fight for the right to see my daughter, even though we all know that such confrontations really screw me up physically and emotionally. In fact, I am ready to go to jail over this issue. The PO thinks the threat of putting me back in jail is something big. When you really think about it, with the stipulations she has put on me, only one thing about going back to jail would concern me and that is who would take care of Mom and Dad. Otherwise, it would be an improvement. For one thing, I would regain visitation and could see my daughter!! (Which is the whole issue anyway). I wouldn't have to worry about finding enough work as a parolee/felon/sex offender to pay the state's various bills. I wouldn't be a burden on my family financially. And I know I could help a lot of other guys with spiritual guidance and advice.
So, after a lot of build-up, I got there at 11:18 AM and was told that the PO wasn't in today, turn in my paperwork and go on with my life. SHEESH!!!
I will say this, it leaves me in a moral dilemma. I don't want to lie to my parole officer, but my children are more important to me than even being out of jail. I believe that my family and I are perfectly capable of monitoring/supervising ourselves in a family gathering situation. The PO doesn't understand that by not allowing guys like me to be with their families and have some semblance of a normal life that she is completely missing the goal of parole, to successfully reintegrate into society, which would include being able to handle the situations that come up that used to be a problem or have the potential to become a problem. If we can't practice the coping skills we spent a year in treatment learning, then she's really missed the whole point.
Again, it was not in the stipulations of my parole, simply something she does to all SO parolees because she seems incapable of dealing with us individually or as human beings. As long as I am doing the things I need to do to be a better human being and harm no one ever again, whatever I tell her is just so much hot air and meaningless in my view. I know that sounds wrong, but why should my daughter(s) suffer because someone is incapable of doing their job correctly?
Since she wasn't in today, I have to call in the morning to get an appointment for my next meeting with her. I don't see it being before Christmas (since it is only 11 days away!!!!) So now I won’t even have the chance to ask again to see my family for the holidays.
Meanwhile, I'm still on an ankle monitor even though it has been 115 days now, well past the 3 months it is supposed to be. Her comment when I asked last? "The ankle monitor comes off when I say it comes off!" End of discussion. Never mind that I have never once violated the curfew (another modification to my stipulations that she made), or that not having the monitor will change my lifestyle one bit. I prefer to not be out driving after dark in my 40 year old car, and we all know I am NOT a morning person!